The other day I couldn't focus on anything but my flaws.
I felt like my flaws were way bigger than everyone else's.
{Not that I really know other people's flaws}
Anyway, I read a lot of blogs and I kept asking myself:
How do all these big bloggers make their flaws seems so small and silly?
These bloggers often have flaws similar to mine but when I do the same things they do I don't see it as funny or small...it's always HUGE and the end of the world kind of thing.
After thinking about this and writing down all of my thoughts on it I realized a couple of things:
1. People often blog to try and focus on the good, funny things in life, so they learn to find good and funniness in their flaws.
And 2. When we see flaws in ourselves we just make them WAY bigger than the flaws we see in everyone else.
I know that comparing isn't good for anyone and that my flaws really aren't HUGE things. They are things that I can learn to laugh at. And I can do that through blogging about the things that make me happy and the silly flaws that I have just like everyone else.
P.S. Race is tickling my back right now and singing "She's too sexy for her hair, too sexy for her lips, too sexy for her....etc." I love my husband! He also just asked me if I was blogging about how sexy my hair is. Haha. Let me add a picture of my hair on here so you can all see how unsexy it is right now...
I love the look of my handwriting and doodles filling up every spare space on every page.
I love going back and reading the random thoughts I've had.
I love seeing what random games I played to amuse myself.
I love the many different colors of pen I used.
My notebook isn't quite full yet but it's getting there.
I can't wait for it to be full and to get to buy a cute new notebook.
I love that even though I can't always express myself well with my spoken words I can write out every single random thought that passes through my crazy brain.
I don't know if I will ever be good at organizing my thoughts and putting them into words {on paper or out loud} that make sense to anyone else...
But I am glad that writing, no matter how random and disjointed it is, is something that I enjoy doing and am able to do often.
Writing is something that has helped me to learn so much about myself and often helps me to let off steam and get my thoughts out somewhere. I am grateful for the ability to write.
This is the site that has kept me away from blogging recently. It is awesome! I have been having a little battle with myself about blogging. I have been trying to decide whether it is something that I really enjoy and that I am doing for myself or whether it is something that I do to get some attention from the outside world. And if it is to get attention is it worth it, because let's be honest, not many people read my blog. I have decided that I was doing it more to get attention but I wanted it to be something that was a release for me. Writing blogs was not turning out to be a release for me though. I would stress too much about whether or not anyone would read and whether or not anyone would be offended at what I wrote or think I was stupid for what I wrote. I would write and re-write blog entries until they were just what I thought people were looking for, not so much what I really wanted to say. Then I 'stumbled upon' this website, 750words.com. This is a site where you just write. Anything you want. The goal is to write 750 words every day. It is mainly to unload and to get out all of your thoughts from the day. I have only used it for two days but, I love it! I have found that it is a great way to unload, it helps me to answer questions that I have, it helps me to think back on my day and what all went on. And, after you write it breaks down everything that you wrote. It tells you so many random, amusing things. These are some of the things that are on the page that comes up after you are done writing:
(Sorry the pictures are so bad. I had to take them of my computer on my phone...I couldn't figure out how to copy and paste or do it some other way)
Well, there it is! I think that anyone who likes to write, blog, or ramble should try this site out. It's fun. :] And, I am not complaining about blogging or anything, this is just a cool way for me to get all my thoughts and weirdness out before I sit down to write a normal blog post.
"I wonder, when he comes again, will herald angels sing?
Will earth be white with drifted snow, or will the world know spring?
I wonder if one star will shine Far brighter than the rest;
Will daylight stay the whole night through? Will songbirds leave their nests?
I'm sure he'll call his little ones Together 'round his knee,
Because he said in days gone by, 'Suffer them to come to me.'
I wonder, when he comes again, will I be ready there,
To look upon his loving face And join with him in prayer?
Each day I'll try to do his will And let my light so shine
That others seeing me may seek For greater light divine.
Then, when that blessed day is here, He'll love me and he'll say,
'You've served me well, my little child; Come unto my arms to stay.'"
I remember singing this song as I grew up and each year wondering whether I would still be considered one of His "little ones" and whether I would be invited to gather around Him with the other children. I do not know when one is or is not considered a little one anymore but I do know that someday I will get to meet him and thank him for all that he has done for me. And I know that someday I will have little ones who will be called to gather around him. And he will bless them and show his love to them. I am so grateful for the love that he shows me each and every day. I know that some days I recognize it more than others but I have a constant goal to recognize the hand of my Savior and my Heavenly Father in my everyday life.
I remember, as a child, being so excited to meet my Savior, my brother. Sometimes now I get scared. I need to prepare more, repent more, pray more, serve more, etc. In the end though, I know that I will be excited to meet my brother who atoned for my sins, suffered through all the pains that I have suffered {and so much more} and made it possible for me to repent, to change, to PROGRESS.
Afterthoughts:
I am so grateful for the gift of music in this life. It makes me excited again to meet my Savior, it teaches me to become like a little child, and it fills me with comfort and joy. So many Hymns and so many songs from the Children's Songbook have touched my heart over the years. I am grateful for the testimony builder that this song was for me today.
I have a cute little notebook {Target Clearance} that I carry around with me all the time. In it I write my down my random thoughts throughout the day. I started doing this a while back because I was not finding the time to write in my journal. It has quickly become something I love to do. I am not a good writer nor am I in any way eloquent with my words. But, writing has quickly become a release for me. Sometimes I just write random thoughts, sometimes I write letters to my family or my friends or my husband, and often I just write lists of random things. {Race pointed out to me that I LOVE to write lists for anything and everything} Anyway, today I wanted to share some of my thoughts from my 'journal/notebook' with my blogging friends. I have noticed that it is much easier for me to write things on paper than to try and figure out what to type up on my computer. I think that sometimes I type faster than I think and then end up going back and changing things over and over and over again. Or I read it over later and realize that what I wrote made no sense at all. Anyway, off topic again. Here is something from my mind. :]
PREFACE: Some of you have heard of or read some from the blog divorcedand20.blogspot.com. I was thinking about this blog when I started writing these thoughts the other day. I do not know the whole back story to this girl's life and I love her blog and how open she is about her thoughts and feelings. This post is not to try and say that I am better than her or Race is better than her ex. My thoughts are, more than anything, thoughts of gratitude for what Race and I have. So, here goes.
March 30, 2011
I stumbled upon a blog called Divorced & 21. It's about an LDS girl who got married (sealed in the temple) and then was divorced within just a few months. The blog is not actually about the divorce but more about her and learning to move on and live again after the divorce. {She is amazingly optimistic and I love to read her blog and hear about how she has coped and changed because of the trials that she has faced} It's made me think a lot about what is making mine and Race's marriage work...because it is not always easy. These are some of the things that we do but also things that I think we could do even better sometimes. {I am not saying these are the things that MAKE a marriage work for everyone or that these things were not happening in this blogger's marriage but they are things that I notice work for Race and I}.
1. We ALWAYS say "I love you."
2. We ALWAYS kiss "good morning" and "good night"
3. We know that neither of us can always "win" ALL the fights, discussions, or debates.
4. We "bend" for each other.
5. We serve each other.
6. We do not go to bed mad at each other, we stay up and talk it out (aka We communicate)
7. We have a good intimate life (kisses, cuddles, hugs....etc.)
8. Finally and possibly most important (or what causes everything above) is that we are both TRULY, FULLY COMMITTED to each other.
I am so grateful for my marriage and for Race. We definitely have hard times but I trust him 100% and know that he will never give up on me and I will never give up on him. I am grateful for every time Race kisses me or tells me he loves me. I am so grateful for everytime he tickles my back or legs. I love when he does the dishes for me or the laundry or straightens up the house. I love knowing that he would never talk bad about me to anyone. I need to always remember to be grateful for the small things he does. I need to always look at the good rather than focus on the bad. There are so many things to learn about how to make a marriage work and they are different for every marriage. I am learning more and more what works for Race and I and I will continue to use all of the things that I learn to make our marriage better and better.
That's all there is from my little journal entry post. I know that these are not even close to all of the things that make our marriage work, they are just the things that I was thinking about that day. I know that Race and I are still learning so much about each other and that we will ALWAYS be learning about each other. Marriage is not the easiest thing {at least for me} but it is most definitely worth it! I love Race and I really love being married to him!
P.S. Whenever I look at our wedding pictures I think of two pieces of advice I want to tell all engaged ladies:
1. LOVE your dress! Do not settle for something that you do not love.
2. LOVE your photographer.
These are two things that I notice every time I look at my photos {BESIDES the fact that Race and I are absolutely adorable} and I am so grateful that I did not get any of the other dresses that I looked at, partly because they were way expensive and partly because I really was not impressed with any of them. I wore my mom's dress just refurbished and it cost a grand total of about $70...I think. Every time I look at it I just love it more. The small details and the gorgeous lace...swoon! Anyway, now to the photography, I love the style of my photographer and I love how every single picture turned out. I love having these beautiful pictures hanging in my house and looking through them time and time again on my computer. I am sure that everyone would say something a little bit different but that's my little piece of advice if anyone is wondering.
Above is my cute little study room at Cline Library on NAU campus. The picture is a little bit deceiving because I like to sit/lie on the floor rather than sit in the chair using the desk but you get the general idea.
They have a whole row of these and so far I think I've used each one at least once and some a couple of times. These little rooms are my new favorite places. After and between classes I head over to the library to get my homework done, read my scriptures, and meditate (I'm going to write about meditating in another post). I get so much done in a waaay shorter time than I would back at the apartment when I go to a study room. You see, I get distracted really easily and when I am at the apartment and I don't want to do something I cook food, clean, watch movies, get on facebook, read a book, play a game, slide down the banister or basically anything to get out of working on my homework. And I'm sure you all know that that does not turn out too great for me in the end. So these little study rooms are my little focusers. And let me tell you, they do a dang good job. :)
Right now I think I'm locked out of my apartment so I am in my cute little study room lying on the floor and finishing up some homework and catching up on my blog. Dang good stuff!!
So today, I am grateful for study rooms. :)
Oh, and I would like to add in that Elder Skylar Pond is officially in the MTC! And he is going to be an awesome missionary. Here is a picture of Elder Pond and I just before he got set apart. (Sorry it's sideways...it's from my phone and I'm not sure how to change that. I'll figure it out eventually though.)
I will never be able to write in words the feelings that the Spirit has brought to me in different points in my life.
But I would like to attempt to tell a couple experiences I've had.
In my institute class a few nights ago we talked about Lehi's vision.
We talked about how the tree of life represents the love of God.
And then we cross referenced this with John 3:16 which says,
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever
believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
With this cross reference I learned that the love of God is partially that he sent his son to the earth to die so that we could come to live with Him again.
Then my teacher asked us if we remembered a time in our lives that we realized the power of the atonement.
I thought back to the summer before my senior year of high school.
A friend of mine was leaving on a mission and I had the opportunity to hear him sing in church a couple weeks before he left.
He sang "I Stand All Amazed" (Hymn #193).
This was the first hymn that I learned to play on the piano so I had read the words time and time again but they hit me in a completely different way on this day and filled me with a feeling of indescribable love.
The love of my Heavenly Father and my brother, Jesus Christ.
I knew that despite any mistakes that I had made or would make in my life I would be able to repent and be forgiven and that my Heavenly Father would always love me.
Thinking back to this experience and later that night going back to my old journal and reading about it brought back the feelings that I had had that day two and a half years ago.
After talking about our stories of gaining a testimony of the atonement my teacher told us the story "The Bridge". This story has a short film to go with it that we did not watch but I had seen it before. Here is the film: The Bridge. I can not tell the story as well as the film does so I recommend watching it but for those of you who don't have the time I'll try to paraphrase it.
There is a father who operates a bridge. He has to move the bridge so that the train is able to cross over the water safely. One day when he is moving the bridge it won't connect with the train tracks for some reason so he has to go and do it manually. While he is holding the tracks together his son comes running down the tracks looking for him. The man has to decide between saving his son or letting all the people on the train die. He decides to save the people on the train. (I know it sounds like a terrible story but there is so much that we are able to learn from it as we compare it to the sacrifice our Father in Heaven has made for us.)
This film helped me understand a TINY bit more of what our Heavenly Father must have been feeling when he let his son suffer and die for us. He chose to save each and every one of us rather than just save his son.
The people on the train had no idea what had just happened just as many of us are ignorant as to what Heavenly Father has sacrificed for us. The people on the train went on to live their lives doing good and bad not knowing at all what that father had sacrificed so that they could live.
If the father in this film was able to see what each of these people had done with their lives in the future I am sure that there would be some things that would just be a stab in the heart to see as he had given them life when he let his son die.
It also hurts our Heavenly Father when he sees us make bad choices. Especially when he sees those of us who have a knowledge of the sacrifice he and his son made, straying from the path.
And yet our Heavenly Father continues to love us.
And he continues to forgive us.
And he continues to bless us.
Having this realization that night through the help of my teacher, my classmates, and the Spirit helped strengthened my testimony in so many ways and I am grateful for the opportunities that I have to learn and feel the Spirit and grow closer to my Heavenly Father as I learn more about him and his continuous love.
I know this was kind of long but I would like to end with the words to the hymn "I Stand All Amazed":
Verse 1:
I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.
Verse 2:
I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.
Verse 3:
I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.
Chorus:
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me enough to die for me!
